The concept of the self fulfilling prophesy is one that many have been exposed to, generally speaking it is one where, what is spoken into a life, breeds, bears life and becomes reality. This can be either good or bad...Having come to the end of this tenure in the journey I have realized how important it is to be conscious of the events which have occurred in the past, so that the future outcomes can be different. In 2008 when I started dating my bf at the time, I had a difficult time recalling events from the past, mostly because I had made an effort to compartmentalize them and place them in the recesses of my mind...now I see how damaging that was and as such I have over the last few months, brought many things to the fore...(maybe to the chagrin of the present, something resembling a significant other)
I graduate with a Masters in Education tomorrow...MY Masters in Education...it's something many boast of these days...it's a real struggle many have had to endure, a two year upheaval and make sacrifices during that time. My struggle was a different one and while I had to husband/significant other or children vying for my time, I wrestled with so many other things, I sometimes wonder whether it would have been easier having actual physical demands of my time and abilities...but I made it through, thanks of course to an unwavering faith and the constant love and support of so many wonderful persons who I keep in my prayer on a daily basis and will use every opportunity to remind them just how grateful I am for their invaluable presence in my life...
But here we are at the end...let's for a moment step into the time machine and go back...we can't change anything, not that I'd want to...it all happened the way it was supposed to...I guess...
He squandered all his money on alcohol...all...days would pass and there would be nothing to eat, a wife and two kids to not only feed but send to school as well, but he was unconcerned, there was so much life happening and he was after all the life of the party. There wasn't even a roof over their heads, since they lived downstairs of a house that wasn't even theirs, using an outhouse and an outdoor bathroom. But the children were fed and clothed and books were bought, not that he even cared either way. They lived a life detached from him and his family, drawn to their mother's family more than anything. They thrived, even among the weeds, the weeds that, had they had their own way, would have suffocated them and left them lifeless and without hope and a future.
For all the work the teacher (uncle) put in, one still cannot reconcile why the results came back as they did but the ink was dry and it spelled out an impending doom...Princes Town Junior Secondary...The tears flowed like floods that day and in what is now apparent an insult to say the least, his brother callously hands her a hundred dollar bill, quite a substantial sum in those days (1993) told her stop crying and just go to the school. One thing's for sure, attending a school such as PTJSS in those days was pretty much a going through of the motions to form 5 graduation where as a young woman especially of East Indian descent, one was fated to come out with little or no passes and eventually become a housewife with couple children and ungrateful drunkard husband in tow.
That I guess is where the self fulfilling prophesy over her life began. And she bought into it with every ounce of her being. Classes were unimportant and insignificant, she was among the lowest of the low academically and as such gleaned as a candle in a dark room with little or no effort. The back steps were her stomping grounds, and when she did make her presence known in a classroom, the back desks were the area of choice and well, she wasn't there alone...she was popular to say the least and there were many unmentionable (not so proud) moments that occurred there. With no end exam and a transition to Princes Town Senior as an almost seamless process, times got a little harder, but she still didn't care. With a rowdy personality and a mouth so filthy it made a sailor look like a church mouse, she went through the motions and as they had already decided for her, she came out at the end of five years with very little evidence of any iota of success.
Here's where the prophesy begins to get challenged...she most certainly wasn't about to reconcile herself to a life of slaving over a stove in the wee hours of the morning when husband lay snuggled in bed, she wasn't going to reconcile herself to a life where her needs and financial well being depended on another, she wasn't going to reconcile herself to a life where children had to be fed on potato cooked every possible way or green fig as well, where borrowing flour and sugar and toothpaste and soap was as normal as breathing. That was not for her, magazine pages provided a gateway to life that was out of her reach but she began to believe that strangely enough they were within her grasp. And she fought the system...
Another school of thought gives rise to the fulfillment of prophesy in one's life...a predestination...where one's path is already mapped out and regardless of the circumstances in life, and no matter if free will comes into play, and as much as one can try to circumnavigate the destiny, it will come to pass. That's the school of thought which lifts up and tears down the negative self fulfilling prophesy seed planted so many years ago. An opportunity to do a Bachelor's degree in a time when financially it was impossible...an opportunity which saw one gaining finances rather than expending. An opportunity which came as an interruption to many was seen as that, yes but an interruption which would lead to far greater things. It built friendships, taught a thing or two about family and the conditionality of love, about friendships and it's fickleness but also about it's strength. It built resilience, self worth, esteem and the general outlook of life. It was a turning point and a grand one at best. A spring board to the present.
And here we are, back at the end, where we began, the culmination of two years of struggle, for in spite of all that was gained during the 'interrupted' years, this time, there was no one around in close proximity. It wasn't easy to drive to High Street and get the parking stamp/free parking and the counsel that would help with the days of struggle. It wasn't easy coming home to empty apartments and having to find the fortitude within oneself to get to work on those assignments. It wasn't easy when people who started out at your side, suddenly removed themselves with no explanation whatsoever. It wasn't easy when words written in what was obviously English made absolutely no sense no matter how many times you read it and you'd end up in tears and begin believing all over again the words which though they were never said out loud to you, had already ordained you a failure and you felt exactly that way.The struggle is real slang bodes well at this time. But I beat those demons....the drinking, considerable less now, isn't such a hindrance to proving for his family, he too has risen above what he was supposed to have become, according to someone else.
I am grateful for this two years more than any other time in my life thus far. It showed me who the real ones are, those who could do nothing for me, because I had nothing to give off from myself other than myself. I have met some of the greatest individuals during this time, some extraordinary women and men, one such individual who I will forever hold in my heart till the day I die, even if he's not a physical presence in my life for future days, who holds fast to the fact that he has done nothing for me and it's all within me, but who would never understand the battles that are waged in an empty apartment in one's head. I have no doubt that I can do amazing things...it's already been written, I am predestined and ordained for greatness, but it's not a walk I walk alone. The Father goes with me, from conception and I know He's always there, even when I don't deserve Him to be. He has blessed me with many angels in the flesh, who continue to remind me daily of my purpose and as I break the prophesy which was spoken over my life many years ago and step into the prophesy that I am to fulfill...I say to you, turn the page with me, if you dare...I know I can't wait.
