To all the ones I've loved before

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

Have you ever been in love? 

Love, of all the words in the English language I believe this has to be one of the most used words. One of the most misconstrued as well. Love is defined by the Merriam Webster as; 

A. (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties 
     (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers 
     (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests 
B. :an assurance of affection 
C. : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 
D. : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

If these definitions are to have any weighting then, the answer to the question as posed above would be a resounding YES. As humans we have a seemingly voracious desire to be loved and to love as well. I have fallen prey time and again to this need, this incessant need to be loved and have compromised on many levels for what I thought was love. But my compromise hasn't been on the eros love plane, as surprising as that may be. It is quite common for individuals to compromise here, not me. 
My compromise has been on the phileo love plane, this is the type of love that exists on a platonic level. I grew up knowing what stergo love was, my grandfather treated me like a queen and everyone followed in stride. Yet somehow this was never enough and as uncles and aunts eventually got married and started having families of their own, my "significance" dwindled and as such I sought love in other places. Friendships, the word friend to me carries strong connotations now. I have learnt that not every smile carries with it genuine concern and not everyone who is ventures to have a conversation really cares about what you have to say. I learnt this fact from my experiences at secondary school...I fought so hard to find a niche in society and felt that I had to compromise values that I was raised with. At the time however, I loved those people. We were a little gang on to ourselves, five girls ready to take on the world. That love fizzled with the friendship after secondary school. 
The face of love changed in 2000 and has continued to change since then, who knew then that this seemingly insignificant event would be the catalyst for life as I know it today. Love was planted, grew and thrived. Here I came to realize that friendship wasn't based on who the other party wanted me to be, but rather I could be who I was and would be accepted for that. Compromise was made, but it wasn't about being someone else. Family relationships were compromised for them as strangers became friends, then best friends and to me the argument that males and females can have platonic friendships was moot.  But here is where my anamalous personality comes to the fore, male friends got into relationships on the eros  plane and suddenly my friendship became obsolete. Times have changed but I still love them. I still want what is best for their lives and I still pray for them. However I have come to the realization that they choose to take certain paths in their lives and as such I wish them well. I pray them the greatest of all forms of happiness that life has to offer and so much more. Even with the ones lost, others have stayed and many more have come and my love for you is in way impacted by the 'loves' I have lost. 
Now here's the thing, even as phileo love has been a central part of my life and the kind of love that I am eternally grateful for, I have this craving for love on the eros level. I want someone to love me for who I am, wholly and solely. But don't get confused into thinking I want someone who will forget all who they are and focus on me only (blog post to come). However in my thirst to get this kind of love, I have gotten into quite a few not so favourable 'relationships'. I have given my heart time and again. I have stood helplessly by as my heart has been crushed time and again by the very one who claimed at the time to love me. I have picked up the shards each time and tried to put them back together. Every time more harrowing on my psyche and efficacy. Irony of it is, I love each of them still, certainly don't want to be with any of them now, but the love exists frozen in the time which it existed. Funny thing about this is, even as the pieces no longer fit soundly together, even with the myriad of hurt and confusion they have brought, I still believe that it is out the for me- love of my own of the eros kind.  
In my search for love though, I have come upon two profound realizations...the agape love I have in my life is irreplaceable and truly something which has to be experienced individually for one to really be able to relate to what I am saying. No one can love you like God does. His love is genuine and pure and He loves you with all your imperfections and anomalies. Secondly, when you realize that kind of love exists you are able to love yourself. I remember hearing what seems like an eternity ago, a lecture, it is believed that love is about meeting someone who 'fills' you or you filling them, an arrangement like that will only serve to leave one or the other empty. It was said rather to be filled and find someone who is also filled so that each will overflow the other. 

This truth I have come to regard for both the phileo and eros loves. The friendships I have now, the deep, true, long term, non judgmental, no 'toting' feelings types I know they are full and they over flow who I am. As per the relationship that I want, well what can I say...if I have met you already and our time is not just yet...I wait with bated breath. If I have not met you yet, I know you are out there. In the meantime I continue to fill myself and thank the ones I have loved before for all that they have taught me and helped me become.